


he hated them

by eli0is0bored



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Body Dysphoria, Huge Trigger Warning for all listed above, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internalized Fatphobia, Intrusive Thoughts, M/M, Scars, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Slight mention of bullying, Suicidal Thoughts, author is projecting, stretch marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:40:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27873177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eli0is0bored/pseuds/eli0is0bored
Summary: !!!!!!WORK TRIGGER WARNINGS PLEASE READ!!!!!!(suicide, self-harm, body dysphoria, self-hate, intrusive thoughts, negative self-talk, internalized fatphobia towards self, mention of bullying, talking about self-harm)Kenma hated them. The marks, the lines, just everything about them disgusted him. He hated how they all clustered around his thighs and up towards his ribs, he hated how the white lines showed up crystal clear on his pale skin, he hated how that they wouldn’t disappear no matter how much he hoped and stared at them. He hated how when he looked in the mirror, he could never find something he liked. He hated it all but the one thing he hated the most was the scars that he created himself, they littered his thighs, his stomach, and even a few on his shoulders. He knew better than to cut his arms, he knew how to not get caught, even though he knew he needed some type of help.Kuroo was always the one who had to tell him he was beautiful no matter what, and the first few times it worked, but now, the words had no effect, no matter what, his head kept screaming at him.Ugly. Disgusting. Worthless. Why don’t you just kill yourself already?
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 6
Kudos: 54





	he hated them

**Author's Note:**

> Guys, gals, and non-binary pals, please pay attention to the trigger warnings, I do not want to hurt anybody with my work. this is my first fanfic and I would hate to hurt someone with it. This is fairly graphic in the descriptions about what is happening so please don't read this if you are easily triggered by any of the warnings I put up. 
> 
> Remember this is also my first fanfic so please tell me if there are any suggestions for improvement. also if this is terrible then i apologize.  
> also ive never formated here so if thats shit then im also sorry-

(TW- suicide, self-harm, body dysphoria, self-hate, intrusive thoughts, author projecting, negative self-talk, internalized fatphobia, mention of bullying, talking about self-harm)

(Kenma)

Kenma hated them. The marks, the lines, just everything about them disgusted him. He hated how they all clustered around his thighs and up towards his ribs, he hated how the white lines showed up crystal clear on his pale skin, he hated how that they wouldn’t disappear no matter how much he hoped and stared at them. He hated how when he looked in the mirror, he could never find something he liked. He hated it all but the one thing he hated the most was the scars that he created himself, they littered his thighs, his stomach, and even a few on his shoulders. He knew better than to cut his arms, he knew how to not get caught, even though he knew he needed some type of help.

  
Kuroo was always the one who had to tell him he was beautiful no matter what, and the first few times it worked, but now, the words had no effect, no matter what, his head kept screaming at him.

  
_Ugly. Disgusting. Worthless. Why don’t you just kill yourself already?_

  
No matter what was said or what he did, the thoughts kept replaying, they were on an infinite loop that Kenma could never escape from. The thoughts had been coming to him since he was young, at first, they were bearable, he could handle it, he was a big boy. But then, they got worse, they became more frequent, they became apart of him, the thoughts became more intricate. They became more in-depth and more self-destructing. They were just there, they were now apart of who Kenma was, the thoughts became his normal.

It was the most terrifying normal Kenma had ever lived.

  
He stared into the mirror, his shirt lifted slightly so he could see the white and pink lines that marred his skin, he knew they were natural, he knew a lot of people had them, but that didn’t matter, not when his head kept repeating the same thoughts.

  
_Ugly. Disgusting. Worthless. He doesn’t really love you._

  
It was a thought that went through Kenma’s head each day, the thought that maybe Kuroo didn’t love him, it was the most terrifying thought he had. Kuroo may tell him that he loves him, but could he really be sure, Kuroo could lie to him. It could just all be a joke, or worse, pity.

  
Kenma ran his finger along a barely their scar on his stomach, it wasn’t raised anymore, it was just there. Like a marker stain, except it wouldn’t disappear. Another line below it, just a bit darker, a bit newer, it was still raised, it was still tender. Kenma felt a tear drip his face and into his neck, why did he do this? Why couldn’t he be normal? He could barely stand to look at the newest scars-to-be, they were ugly, they were disgusting, they were painful.

  
Kenma fell to the ground in front of his mirror, unable to hold back the extra tears that threatened to come out, when he sat on the ground, he saw fat collect at the sides of his stomach, another thing to hate about himself. The mirror felt like it was mocking him, mocking him and everything he hated about himself, the mirror felt like it was his worst enemy.

  
Kenma eyed the small boxed hidden behind his mirror, he moved to reach for it, it clanked slightly as the blades inside hit each other. His hand shook as he grabbed his phone, he always played music when he did this, he wasn’t sure why, it just made the whole process a bit calmer, but harder to pull out of. He threw his phone to the side and opened the box, his breath releasing as he grabbed the first blade he saw.

  
_Do it. It will make you feel better. Not like anyone would care anyway. Do it._

  
His whole body went into an eerie calm, it always did right before he cut, he pulled his shorts up enough so he could hide it later, the cold blade against his skin wasn’t enough to pull him out of it, and without hesitation, he sliced a long deep cut on his thigh. The sting brought him out of his self-hatred, his brain only focusing on the blood coming out of his leg. He grabbed the red rag from under his bed, it used to be white, but after two years of use, it turned almost completely red. He dabbed his leg, soaked up the blood so it wouldn’t get on his carpet.

  
He placed the blade on his skin again

  
_Deeper. Do it._

  
Deeper this time, he pushed harder and pushed the blade over his skin, slower this time, he needed to really feel the pain, no, he deserved this pain. He knew he deserved it. As the adrenaline came down he dropped the bloody blade into the box, the red rag slowly becoming redder, if that was even possible, his tears started up again, as if his head came back to a clear area, could he even call his head clear?  
Cleaning up was the longest process of everything, it meant putting his blades back in there hiding spot, so well hidden that not even Kuroo knew where he hid them, it meant ringing out the bloody rag in his sink, it meant wrapping a bandage around his leg to make sure he didn’t get blood everywhere, it meant staring at the cuts he made until he brain could rationalize what he did. And then it also meant going to school the next day as if nothing happened.

~

“Kenma, we need to talk.” The tone threw Kenma off, Kuroo almost never sounded that serious, Kenma almost cringed, “About?”

  
Kuroo stopped walking, Kenma didn’t notice until he had already gone three more steps, Kenma turned back, “What do we need to talk about?”

  
“Kenma.” Kuroo’s voiced almost sounded like it would crack, it set off a red flag in Kenma’s brain. _Shit_. Kuroo wasn’t an idiot, no matter how much Kenma teased him, Kuroo wasn’t stupid, he was far from it, not just academically but also emotionally, he could normally tell when something was off with anyone. Especially Kenma, being so close made him able to tell when even the slightest thing was off with him. Kenma appreciated it, it was one of the qualities that made Kuroo a good boyfriend, but right now, he would rather talk about anything else, he would rather do anything else than talk about it.

  
Kenma opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off, Kuroo showed almost no emotion other than worry, another quality of Kuroo, whatever he was feeling, it showed on his face, “I want you to stay at my house tonight.”

  
Translation: I want to watch you because I’m worried

(Kenma)

Kenma was almost convinced to say no, but then Kuroo would really know something was wrong, “Okay.” That ended the conversation, and they continued the walk but this time, going to Kuroo instead of Kenma’s house.

(Kuroo)

Kuroo knew something was wrong, from the second Kenma walked into school, he knew something was wrong. Very wrong. Believe it or not, he wasn’t a complete dumbass. He knew Kenma had a problem, he knew about the thoughts and the actions those thoughts sometimes compelled him to do. He knew most of it but Kenma never went into detail, not that Kuroo needed or wanted details. He just wanted to keep his boyfriend safe.

  
Kuroo really knew something was wrong when he caught Kenma scratching at his legs, it was something that Kuroo’s sister did whenever she had an urge. The scratching was something that Kenma only did for a few days after he cut. Kuroo hated that Kenma did that, it hurt him more than he thought Kenma even knew, sometimes Kuroo thought it was his fault, that maybe he didn’t offer enough support, but he knew that he was doing his best to help Kenma.

  
Kuroo didn’t want to say anything until he could get Kenma alone, so he had the entire day to figure out what he wanted to do, and he obviously picked the most rational solution, Kenma was at risk right now so Kuroo needed to keep an eye on him, Kuroo needed to be near him right now so Kenma would need to stay at his house. Kenma normally agreed to stay over so he didn’t think it would be too hard to get him there.  
Once Kenma and him had gotten to Kuroo’s house, they both dropped their bags at the front of the door, Kuroo pulled Kenma into the kitchen, best to get some food into him, god knows when the last time Kenma ate a full meal. Kuroo pulled out a box of Kraft and put water on the stove, Kenma sat at the small island with his switch in his hands. Better time than ever, “Kenma, are you okay?”

  
Kenma didn’t even look up from his game, “Yeah, why?”

  
Kuroo almost scoffed, he walked over to the island and considered taking the game out of his hands but voted against it, Kenma might want something to fidget with. Kuroo sighed, “Kenma, please talk to me.”

  
That caught Kenma’s attention, “Talk about what?”

  
Kuroo was getting frustrated but hid it pretty well, he knew this shit was hard to talk about, it didn’t make it any less difficult for him to avoid the frustration but he knew it would be hard. Kuroo had done this before and it was always difficult, “Kenma, I saw you scratching.”

  
The response was immediate, “Kuro, can we not talk about this, I know you want to help but I have it under control.”

  
“You don’t have it under control.”

  
Kenma turned off his game and pushed it aside, “Kuro, please.” Kuroo could hear the desperation in his voice but he would be damned if Kenma got away without talking to him. Kuroo turned around to the boiling water and poured the dry macaroni into the pot, “Kenma, baby, I know it's hard to talk about but I’m worried.”

  
Kenma sighed, “What is there to say? I fucked up and it’s over.”

  
This was going to be a long night.

(Kenma)

  
He wishes Kuroo would just drop it, he fucked up, but did they really need to talk about it… Yes, they did, Kenma knew that Kuroo knew that but couldn’t Kenma just… not talk about it. Kenma had already put aside his game, he knew this was something he needed to talk about, “What is there to say? I fucked up and it’s over.”

  
“Why didn’t you call me and tell me your head was acting up again?”

  
Kenma’s head was always acting up, the thoughts were always there, even if they were being quiet, they were still there, just sitting in his head. What was Kenma supposed to say to Kuroo, if he called Kuroo last night he would’ve been disappointed, Kenma knew it, Kenma put his hands on the island while Kuroo stirred the macaroni, “I’m sorry.”  
It was quiet, Kenma wasn’t even sure that Kuroo had heard him. Kuroo looked at Kenma, “Why are you sorry?”

  
Kenma felt his throat close, “I- I don’t know…”

  
Kuroo put his hand onto Kenma’s head, it was something that Kuroo always did whenever Kenma was having a hard time, it was comforting, it was warm. “Baby, I don’t want an apology, I just want to know that you’re okay,”

  
Kenma hated this, he hated that he was about to cry, he hated that he was like this and he hated how Kuroo was always able to get him to talk about this shit. “I really fucked up,” His voice cracked at the end, and he was crying, then right before Kuroo could speak, Kenma added something else, even quieter than before, “I can’t stop…”

  
Kuroo must have barely heard it but he enveloped Kenma in a hug, Kenma could feel his tears slowly drying as Kuroo let go. He didn’t talk, no one did, it was quiet except for the soft bubbling of the boiling water, Kuroo pulled down two bowls from the top cabinet, “Let’s take our food to my room and talk for a bit. Is that okay?”

  
The only response Kuroo got was the slow nodding of Kenma’s head, he grabbed his game and the bowl of Mac n Cheese and went down the hall to Kuroo’s room.  
Kenma sat at the edge of Kuroo’s bed, where he normally sat whenever he was over, Kuroo sat right next to him but far away enough to give Kenma enough room to move around, Kuroo smiled slightly at him.

“Do you want to tell me what happened last night?”

  
That was something Kenma also loved about Kuroo, he would wait until Kenma was ready to speak, he never forced anything like his therapist did, as his mom did. Kenma nodded a bit, “I just got too caught up in my head, I guess.”

  
“Was it the thoughts?”

  
Calling them “the thoughts” was like a silent agreement between them, it was the only thing that they called them, Kuroo nor Kenma had never called them anything different. Kenma took a bite of the food that Kuroo made him, he nodded again, “Yeah, they were red.”

  
The color system, green meant things were okay, it meant that they were manageable and that he wouldn’t need help ignoring them. Yellow meant things were bad to the point where Kenma might need a bit more support than normal, but no one needed to be there, yellow was something that texting with Shouyo could help. Orange meant he needed to be with someone, even if it wasn’t Kuroo, he just needed someone there, sometimes Shouyo helped him, even Akaashi once. Red meant the thoughts were bad enough that the blades he kept in his room were looking appealing enough to use, during this time someone needed to be there to keep Kenma safe. The last color, purple, was the worst, it meant that he shouldn’t even be around anything that he could possibly hurt himself with, it meant that the thoughts were bad enough that he was seeing ways he could end it all. Purple meant that he might do it.

  
Purple has only happened once, it was when Kenma’s sister, Hiasa, had passed away in a car crash, Hiasa was one of the biggest supports that Kenma had, she was the one that created the color system for Kenma. When Hiasa died, Kenma almost attempted, but luckily Kuroo was there to stop him.

  
Kuroo put his bowl on his dresser, “If they were red, why didn’t you call me? Did you think I’d be disappointed or something?”

  
Kenma nodded again, “I’m sorry.”

  
“Remember I don’t want apologies, I just wanna know that you’re okay and you’re safe.”  
Kenma had no reaction, his throat tightened again, his eyes strung as he tried to hold back the tears that wanted to fall down his face.

  
“Did you clean it right? And bandage it so you don’t get an infection.”

  
Another nod.

  
Kuroo tapped his hand, asking for permission to touch him, Kenma muttered a soft confirmation and Kuroo wrapped his arms around him. Kenma eventually pulled away from the touch, the stimulation just a bit too much, Kuroo never judged him for that, instead, Kuroo grabbed both of their bowls and brought them out to his kitchen. When Kuroo came back he had a cup of water with him, “Drink it, then I think you and me should watch a movie. Is that okay?”

  
He took the water and chugged down at least half of it at once, that was another thing he loved about Kuroo, he would never pry, he knew that if Kuroo needed more information, he would ask for it. Kenma put his cup on the nightstand next to Kuroo’s bed, “Can we watch Pixels?”

  
Kuroo smiled, a soft smile instead of a teasing one, like he normally had on his face, “Of course.”

They both knew that an incident could happen again, recovery was hard, it was not pretty, and it sucked, but Kenma knew that he would always have someone to support him when he fucked up. Kenma hated when people said they wanted what he had, he got to stay home and be lazy is what they would say, he stayed home because the thought of even trying to leave his bed made him want to break down, and during those moments when he couldn’t get out of bed, Kuroo would take the day off, no matter if there was a test or a field trip. And he may or may not have socked the people who said that shit to Kenma.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N-  
> Remember, recovery is not easy, it isn’t pretty, relapse happens sometimes, sometimes things get so hard that even good days can end in a relapse. Remember that you are not alone, there is always someone who will be there for you and care for you. And if not, you might just have to find that person. You are never alone. Even if you do relapse, it is okay, much like Kenma… people fuck up, people have hard days, be despite those, he can still get better. Much like Kenma I struggle as well, this piece of writing is very personal to me because I see myself in the Kenma I wrote.  
> You are loved and appreciated, I know how hard recovery is and I would like to remind everyone that its possible. Please stay safe and reach out if you are struggling. Don’t worry about being strong, its okay to break down, just remember that you aren’t and will never be alone.  
> I love you <3  
> ~ Author (aka, Eli)  
> (pronouns- they/them, he/him, xe/xem and moon/moons)
> 
> (P.S. Please leave any criticism in the comments, I normally don’t post my writing, and this is really the first writing that I have finished and posted. Thank you for reading and I hope you have an amazing day. And if you are anything like me then its probably 3-5am, so go to sleep.)


End file.
